Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Taking of a Virgin or Rule #16

I woke up this Sunday morning inspired to be creative and clever and well eat cinnamon rolls. I walked into the grocery store just as good little Christian housewives grabbed the last minute food for the after-church meal. Dressed in sweatpants, a hoodie, and not wearing a bra I did not fit in at all. Amused, I grabbed my soy latte and left the store with the disapproving stares of the faithful followed me. Driving home, I decided to take the plunge and write about rule number 16, “Never have sex with a virgin,” while my cinnamon rolls cook.

Now I know that some of you young lads and even some of you ladies suffer from the Star Trek Syndrome and have the desire to boldly go where no man (woman?) has gone before, but take it from me people don’t do it!!! In order to explain this rule I will first have to tell a life story and then a story of a friend, the names have been changed to protect the desperate.

My story begins when I, a na├»ve little eighteen year old decided to have sex with a friend of mine now bear in mind this friend initiated all contact but I thought it would be intriguing and went along with it. Unfortunately for me this friend was a virgin and in the middle freaked out!! One moment its kisses, caresses, and soft licks in sensual places, the next moment its STOP, elbow to stomach and marching orders to get out with no warning at all. Hurt and confused, I fled the scene. Now folks this is the second reason for the rule. Because virgins are unpredictable and trust me you don’t want to be the one responsible when they change their minds and freak out.

The most important reason for this rule however is best demonstrated by a story of my friend Dan and Chloe. Now Dan was not a virgin but he didn’t have a lot of experience and Chloe was a virgin. After knowing each other for a brief period of time they decided to have sex. After that Chloe initiated a relationship . Dan went out with her for a bit but ultimately decided she wasn’t “the one” (whatever the hell that means) and broke it off. Only Chloe wouldn’t let it be just broken off, oh no, two years later, an ocean of tears, pleas, facebook messages, “accidental” meetings and she has just recently gotten over him. You see folks, virgins 87% of the time get extremely clinging. (I just made that statistic up based on no real facts) Its understandable really, our society highly values the concept virginity and stories about losing virginity as a result virgins feel the need to have a good, meaningful story while lets face it most of the rest of us just want to get laid.

So in your attempts to get laid, ladies and gents, stray away from those rare creatures known as virgins. Now I know what you are all thinking right now, “Come on now if everyone did that no one would have ever got laid.” Very true and I do understand that there is a time and place for the taking of a virgin but folks if you’re gonna take that risk then you better be damn sure that the virgin you’re planning on having sweaty, passionate, awkward monkey sex with is worth it!

Stay real folks and keep the coffee handy!
<3 Maddie